


A Faint Noise of Acquiescence

by EtoileGarden



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Communication, Explicit Sexual Content, I wrote this in a handful of hours so like lower your expectations ty yw, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Lack of Communication, M/M, Uni life, Working things out, adam pov, awkward boys, explicit phone sex, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 08:07:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15335532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileGarden/pseuds/EtoileGarden
Summary: “That was quick,” Michael observes as Adam comes out of the bathroom. He tugs his earphones out, and takes in Adam’s expression. Adam suspects it’s a grumpy one. “Or - it didn’t go as planned?”“I thought our agreement was that we listened to loud music and didn’t ask questions whenever one of us was having sex,” Adam grunts, drops himself down at his desk.“Sure,” Michael grins, “but you don’t look like you got any. And I mean, less than video getting some.”“His cows are calving,” Adam grunts, “he had to go.”“Oh,” Michael says, “my thoughts are with you in this trying time, Adam.”





	A Faint Noise of Acquiescence

**Author's Note:**

> This basically starts with a sex scene y'all, so.

At this point, almost at the very end of Adam’s first year of university, he had had to adjust to a million different things. Some of which he had expected, some of which he hadn’t. 

 

Things he had expected were things like the overwhelming pressure, the surprising ease of finding people to be friends with - even if they weren’t ‘frame a school teacher for horrific crimes’ friends, missing Gansey, Blue, Ronan, Opal, even Henry. Those were expected things, and he had adjusted to them almost without a second thought. He had always been good at pressure, this was just a slightly different kind, he could deal with that easily. Having other friends was surprising, but, he had spent his entire childhood dreaming and imagining how he would find friends at university where people  _ might think like him.  _ He knew he would miss his Henrietta group, that much was something he already knew from experience. He has also been always very good at missing things. 

 

Things he hadn’t expected had been things like having enough food  _ all the time _ , enough that the muscle he had was suddenly being bulked up because it no longer had to cling to his bones. Things like having some leisure time to do shit like go to the movies with friends, to call home. Things like just how much he was actually going to miss Ronan. That had been a shock to the system for the first few weeks, months, of being away from him. How much he just missed his voice, his skin on his. All that random shit that he had taken for granted. The food was something he was still adjusting to, a little, he hadn’t gotten used to seeing his body in the mirror and connecting it properly in his mind as  _ his _ . It was odd seeing something that he might have seen, in a magazine of something, and thought was actually attractive, and knowing that it was him. Ronan told him he was an idiot. He had almost entirely gotten used to having some free time to himself as well, though some parts of his brain seemed somehow more relaxed whenever he had exams coming up and had to slip back into social hermit, as if the familiarity of having no time for anything but study was a welcome break from being a human. He was used to the constant ache that was Ronan not being there with him now. Used to it. Definitely not happy about it. 

 

So of course, stupidly, he had this naive thought that this was how things would be now, that he had gotten used to all that there was going to be to get used to. Like. Things wouldn’t change until something about their situation changed. Things had changed so much because he had started uni. So, according to the more black and white parts of his brain, things wouldn’t change again so much until something about uni changed, like, Adam doing his honours and having to work harder, or, Adam starting work, or, something. Something big. And therefore,  _ therefore _ , there ought to be nothing else to get used to until then. 

  
  


-

 

“You’re supposed to be studying,” Ronan says when he picks up his phone on the fourth ring. “Are you on fire?” 

 

“No,” Adam snorts, “I’m taking a study break.” 

 

“Aw,” Ronan coos, intensely irritating, “and you’re spending your precious break time calling me?” 

 

“Don’t push it or I’ll spend my precious break time wanking by myself,” Adam says, “are you free?” 

 

“Fuck,” Ronan says, tone immediately switched from teasing to surprised, and a little (a lot) turned on. “What were you studying? Boners?” 

 

“No, memorising chemical equations,” Adam replies, “but thinking about your cock.” 

 

They’ve had about six months of practice at this whole long distance, phone sex,  _ thing _ , and quite honestly, Adam still sucks at it. He is well aware of this. Luckily for the both of them, Ronan doesn’t need anything fancy to get him into the mood, even over the phone. 

 

“Shit,” Ronan says, “shit. Tell me what you were thinking about it?” 

 

Adam rolls his eyes. 

 

“I was thinking it’s a pity it’s attached to an asshole,” Adam says, listens to Ronan snort at that, and then says, “I was thinking about sucking you off.” 

 

“Holy fucking shit,” Ronan expands, “well. Ok. I’ve got like - uh - like five minutes.” 

 

“You only need one minute,” Adam teases, “that’s fine. Get your pants off.” 

 

“I’m in the barn,” Ronan says, a little muffled like he’s pressing his phone between his ear and shoulder, “I’m not taking my pants off unless I’m getting fucked. I’ll take my dick out.” 

 

“What if I want you to finger yourself?” Adam asks, has to say things like this with his eyes closed because it’s more embarrassing when he can’t feel Ronan. Ronan makes a disgruntled and incoherent noise over the phone. 

 

“Well you’ll just have to go wanting,” Ronan sputters, “and so the fuck will I now.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says, “uh, my pants are off.” 

 

“Congratulations,” Ronan says dryly, “and my dick’s out. What do you want us to do about it?” 

 

“Y’know,” Adam says, leans back on his bed so he’s no longer perching on the edge of it, but lying across it, feet still on the floor, “you could take charge when we do this sometimes.” He fumbles with his phone to put it on speaker, puts it by his head. His roomate had elected to go study at the library, which meant that Adam had about an hour left of not being interrupted. 

 

“Sure,” Ronan says, scoffs loudly over the phone, “you know I like - I like -” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “are you touching yourself, babe?” 

 

“Um,” Ronan says, decidedly un-sexy, “yeah.” 

 

Adam rolls his eyes at the ceiling, turns his head towards his phone, licks his palm wetly by the mic, and reaches down his body for his dick. Ronan makes a small soft noise. 

 

“I want,” Adam says, gripping himself around the shaft firmly, “to be on my knees, between your legs right now.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, voice very low, “yeah? You’d get your jeans mucky.” On one hand, Ronan fucking loves phone sex. On the other hand, Ronan fucking loves being a little shit. 

 

“I don’t give a fuck,” Adam replies, pauses a moment to suck the fingers of his other hand before reaching down to press his thumb against the tip of his dick, to press the foreskin down a little. “We could shower off afterwards together and I could fuck you.” 

 

“God,” Ronan says, “Ok.” 

 

“I want,” Adam begins again, confident that Ronan is ready to shut the fuck up and listen, “to rub you through your fucking jeans until you’re hard and asking for it -” 

 

“I’m hard,” Ronan butts in, “I want it -” 

 

“Shh,” Adam says, “and then,” he continues, “I want to un-button them, and pull your cock out of those fucking tiny black undies you like -”

 

“My pants are already undone,” Ronan interjects, “and I’m not wearing undies.” 

 

“God,” Adam says, “do your fucking laundry, Lynch.”

 

“Ugh,” Ronan says, then, “sorry. Continue.” 

 

“You’re such a buzzkill,” Adam says. 

 

“Most people would find it erotic I’m not wearing undies,” Ronan protests. 

 

“I’d find it erotic if I didn’t know all your undies are in a huge stinking pile in the laundry.” 

 

“They’re not stinking.” 

 

“God, Lynch. God. I really fucking wanna - I want you in my mouth, ok? Will you just oblige me for a moment?” 

 

“Right,” Ronan says, clears his throat, “yes. Yes. Yes. I want you.” 

 

The words themselves sound a little insincere, but Ronan’s managed to push them out dripping with sincerity and want, and Adam can very much believe it. 

 

“I’d suck just the tip first,” Adam says, “tease the slit with my tongue -” he pauses a moment here so that Ronan can imitate this with his own hand. “ - taste you, ‘cos I know you’re already dripping for it -” 

 

“God,” Ronan mumbles, “I miss your tongue -” 

 

“I miss your cock,” Adam replies, as clearly as he can while he’s squeezing his balls and dragging his other hand up and down his own dick. “I’d take the head in my mouth, and suck it - the way you like - and then I’d - uh - I’d pull off, lick the rest of it -” 

 

“I wanna kiss you,” Ronan says, voice a little far off. Adam can hear himself coming out of the speaker of Ronan’s phone. Ronan’s obviously put his phone down somewhere close to hand so he can have both his hands. 

 

“Not yet,” Adam says, “I wanna - I wanna get you off first - I wanna - nh - kiss that stupid sexy freckle on your inner thigh, and suck your - uh - balls - and I wanna - yeah, babe, yeah -” Ronan is making a ridiculously attractive noise over the phone, one which Adam associates entirely with Ronan’s balls in his mouth. At no point in his life up to the last year had he ever thought he would associate  _ any _ noise with balls in his mouth. 

 

“Fuck, Adam,” Ronan says. 

 

“Then,” Adam says, because he needs to stay on track so they can finish before Ronan’s out of time, “I’d grip your hips and I’d swallow you all the way down - and I’d fucking - I’d fucking just - you could just - you could just fuck into my mouth and we could - uh - uh -” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “oh, God, fuck, Adam -” 

 

“I want you to cum in mouth,” Adam whispers into the phone, “just keep fucking my face and cum in my mouth.” 

 

Ronan makes a noise which indicates that things are all over for him and that he probably needs a glass of water and a nap now. 

 

“Fuck,” Ronan says a few moments later, “you have such a fucking dirty mouth sometimes, Parrish,” 

 

Adam grins, stupidly proud. Good at dirty talk was not something he could put on his Resume. 

 

“Did you get off?” Ronan asks, “Um, do you want me to -” 

 

Ronan is not good at dirty talk. Or, he is, but only in person. Over the phone, he’s too awkward, and that transposes into sarcasm. Which, sure, that turns Adam on because it’s  _ Ronan _ , but still. 

 

“Nah,” Adam says, “I came. You have any idea of fucking hot you sound when you’re cumming, babe? Just listening to you jerk off is enough for me.” 

 

“Uni’s made you soft,” Ronan says. 

 

“Excuse you,” Adam snorts back, “I was pretty fucking hard actually.” 

 

Ronan is starting to say something, but then, because Ronan’s phone is still on speakerphone, Adam hears someone else interrupt. 

 

“Excuse me?” The voice says, “Um. Mr Lynch?” 

 

“Oh fuck,” Ronan says, and not in the soft, low, sexy way he had been saying it just moments before, “Oh fuck. Hi.” 

 

Ronan must have ended the call, because Adam’s phone is just silence now.

 

He sighs heavily, turns his head to look at it, squints at the screen. Yeah. That phone call was definitely longer than five minutes. Ronan probably had someone coming to help with something on the farm, he had mentioned something about getting a vet in to look at one of the chickens. Hopefully this vet was very, very understanding. 

 

He can’t text Ronan back yet, to laugh at him for getting walked in on/check he wasn’t too embarrassed, because his hands are sticky with cum. 

 

He gets up, washes off, texts Ronan with a quick collection of emoji hearts, and resumes his study. 

 

-

 

Ronan replies just over an hour later. 

 

Wednesday

5:27 (pm)

-sorry. Fucking embarrassing haha

-youre so hot though so i dont give a fuck. 

 

5:32

~lol so you didn’t irreparably ruin your relationship with the vet? 

 

5:34

-nah seeing as it wasn’t the vet 

 

5:35

~Oh man. Ok. who saw your dick? ;) 

 

5:35

-the farm hand hahahahah what a great way to meet  his new boss

 

5:35

~what?

 

5:36

-?

 

5:36

~What farm hand? 

 

5:37

-remember i told you i was hiring this dude to help with the calving?? He moved in today. 

 

5:37

~moved in??

 

5:38

-Yeah? Cos he’s boarding? Remember?

-I did tell you, right? 

 

5:39

~No. 

 

5:39

-Oh shit I could have sworn i told you.

-i told you i was thiking about getting help though yeah?

 

5:40

~Yeah. You said people would probably be really confused because they’re not calving at the right time. 

 

5:41

-Well I found a guy. 

-I’m so sure i told you

 

5:42

~maybe you told Gansey. 

 

5:42

-fucking weird. 

 

5:43

~Ok so like, what’s he like? Is he scarred for life after seeing your dick? How long is he staying with you for? 

 

5:44

-don’t be fucking rude. He said it was  very nice dick. He’s staying two or three months. Pre-calving, calving, post-calving, and also helping out with fencing and re-doing some barns. 

 

5:45

~Wow.

~He’ll still be there when I come home, then?

 

5:46

-yeah.

-i gtg babe. Part of the deal is i provide food as WELL as a bed (god so demanding) so i gotta go make some dinner.

 

5:47

~ok 

~love you

 

5:49

-text me when you’re finished stydying for the  night

-love you 2

  
  


-

 

Ronan must be pretty nervous about the calving coming up, seeing as Adam had been pushing him all year to get someone to help out with things like the fences and the barn repairs, and Ronan had been refusing all year. He thinks that possibly, Ronan didn’t so much as forget to tell Adam about it as much as purposefully avoided telling him so as to then avoid the ‘I told you so’ that Adam would definitely NOT have said. Much, anyway. Ronan’s an idiot, that much is certain. So. he’s glad Ronan has a hand for the farm, and, he’s pissed off because Ronan can do whatever the fuck he likes, and how he likes, but usually he tells Adam about it. 

 

Whatever. 

 

He studies some more. 

 

He has final exams coming up. His classes are over, and he’s resigned from his campus jobs to focus more on studying. He has enough money saved up right now to not have to worry about finances over the summer, and he doesn’t want anything distracting him from doing his absolute best with the exams. His first exam is in twelve days. His final exam is in fourteen days. They’re all very crammed together, and so Adam has created a very through and careful study timetable to follow. He even has ‘social nights’ booked in, to stop himself from turning into a ‘bag of boring sticks’, as Ronan says, as well as study breaks, and evenings with absolute nothing so he can just relax, or call Ronan, or even fucking read. Who knows. Gansey says this is character growth, the whole, making time for himself thing. Adam had tried to pretend he didn’t appreciate that. 

 

Today’s schedule had been followed pretty damn near perfectly, so, by the time he reaches the end of the last chapter he had marked out for that evening’s readings, he’s in a fucking great mood. His roomate, Michael is back, eating raw instant noodles straight out of the bag while he studies, because his first exam is tomorrow (poor fucker). He showers, fishes around his desk to find that weird salty chocolate he doesn’t like to give to Michael for brain food, gets into his pj’s, gets into bed, and texts Ronan. 

 

-

 

10:58

~Did you poison your farm boy? 

 

11:00

-fuck you

-it was just frozen pizza reheated

-even opal gets that one right

 

11:02

~proud of you babe

 

11:03

-You’re such a shit

-finished your study?

 

11:04

~Yeah :) 

~just in bed now

 

11:05

-so we coulddddddd….resume?

 

11:06

~yeah nah michael’s here. You know the rules. 

 

11:07

-fucking michael. 

-and yeah, actually, i can’’t ha i’m still downstairs with robin. 

 

11:08

~the hand?

 

11:09

-yea. We’re fuckking playing cards. He’s teaching me some weird game called 500 i think. 

 

11:10

~oh cool

~using your magic cheating cards ;) ?

 

11:11

-piss off. 

-no.

-opal ate them last time we played go fish. 

 

11:12

~your fault for a. Not explaining the cards ween’t fish and b. Cheating using a dream on a dream person. 

 

11:13

-piss off. 

 

11:14

~god you’re eloquent. 

 

11:15

-go to sleep, babe. Your schedule has you up at like 5 fucking am right? 

 

11:16

~i’m flattered, you did read the schedule i sent you???

 

11:17

-its my while shitting reading material.

 

11:17

~less flattered. 

~ok fine i’ll go to sleep. You too.

 

11:18

-ya soon

 

11:18

~love you

 

11:30

-Love you too xxx

 

-

  
  


Thursdays is his big study day. It’s the best day for it, because there tends to be less happening around him to distract him, and also, because he can get up early to go to the uni gym for an hour in near blessed solitude because mostly everyone else is crippled from wednesday night half price student drinks in town. So. He gets up at five. Spends the first seven minutes of awakeness convincing Michael that taking a four hour nap before his exam was a better idea than the all nighter he had been pulling. He drags on his gym clothes, grabs his ipod (a dream gift from Ronan that was chock full of very Ronan’y music and played the murder squash on repeat at the gym if he slacked off), and leaves the room which has suddenly become very loud with snoring. He goes to the gym. Murder Squash does not play. He goes home. He showers. He sets an alarm on his phone to remind him to wake Michael up in two and a half hours. He eats two cereal bars. He starts studying. 

 

-

 

Thursday

2:12 (pm)

~you free for a call?

 

2:19

-is it to wank on the phone again ;) ;) ;) 

 

2:22

~no.

 

2:25

-:( 

 

2:26

~you’re such a dick.

~are you free or not?

 

2:29

-i will be in like 20 mins. Is that ok? 

 

2:30

~sure. 

 

2:31

-you ok? 

 

2:32

~Yes :) 

 

-

 

2:46

-ok i’m free what’s up? 

 

2:47

~can you call?

 

-

 

“Hey,” Ronan says, a few moments later, “aren’t you supposed to be writing practice essays about some random shit right now?” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “i’m halfway through one.” 

 

“Is this a bad time, then?” Ronan asks. He can hear soft lowing in the background, knows Ronan must be out in the back field with the cows. He can imagine it, all lush greens and browns, and awake cows, and Ronan; sweaty.

 

“No,” Adam says, “is it a bad time for you?” 

 

“No,” Ronan snorts, “the fuck is with all the social graces today.”

 

“Piss off,” Adam says, “I’m just trying to be respectful of your fucking work.” 

 

“And vice-fucking-versa,” Ronan shoots back, “what the fuck is up, Parrish.” 

 

“Michael’s really freaking out about his exams,” Adam says, “he had his first one today. Came back. Got in the shower. He’s been in there for like, ha, an hour. Pretty sure the water’s cold by now.” 

 

“Well he’s an idiot,” Ronan snorts, “tell him to stop wasting water. Anyway, he gets good grades, doesn’t he?” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “he does. Like, real good. He’s still like - haha, he’s still convinced he’s completely bombed this exam though.” 

 

Ronan is silent for a few long moments, the only noise coming from the phone is the background murmur of the farm and the trudge of Ronan’s work boots. 

 

“Babe,” he says, “you’re gonna do fine on your exams.” 

 

“I know,” Adam says out of habit, “I know I will.” 

 

“Michael’s just winding himself up because his parents put a fuck load of pressure on him to succeed at everything he does,” Ronan continues, because occasionally he somehow starts speaking like a real adult with eons of experience. “He’s going to pass his exams easily. And even if  _ he _ fucking doesn’t, you will, because you get better grades than him, and you study harder than him, and you’re just fucking more clever all round. You’re going to be fine.” 

 

“Right,” Adam says, “but -” 

 

“And even if you weren’t as stupidly genius as you are,” Ronan butts in, “there’s no way you can fail with your study regime. God, I bet I could fucking pass the exams if I just took the Parrish study boot camp you’ve constructed.” 

 

“You could,” Adam snorts. “I’m just being stupid, then?” he asks, lets himself drop the confident voice a little. 

 

“Yes,” Ronan says, his own voice dropping down from firm to soft, “yes. You are. So stupid, baby.” 

 

Adam clears his throat, because even though he knows Michael can’t over hear him, even if he wasn’t all wrinkled up in the shower, it’s still a little embarrassing having Ronan call him baby when he’s not in the privacy and comfort of Ronan’s arms. 

 

“I’m gonna be fine?” he whispers, because now Ronan’s already gone and made him feel all vulnerable he may as well act it. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “you’re gonna be better than fine.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. Clears his throat again. “Thanks.” 

 

“I love you,” Ronan says, then he yells; “Yeah, no, I’ll bring the planks you fucking stay there.”

 

Adam winces, snorts. “Fuck,” he says, “I love you too. Can you fucking lower your phone before you yell at people.” 

 

“Sorry,” Ronan says, “I gotta grab some planks babe, you good if I go?” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “whatever.” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says, “bye, loser.” 

 

“Bye, shithead,” Adam mumbles, hangs up before Ronan can. 

 

He feels a lot better now. He knows his anxiety surrounding his exams is stupid, he  _ knows _ this. He knows he’s doing really well in uni, he knows his tutors like him, he knows his marks are good, he  _ knows he will pass _ . But the thought of not passing, the thought of failing, of fucking this up, it’s too much to just ignore because the thoughts are heavy and dark and pressing and he needs to be able to get someone else to fucking lift them off of his mind sometimes. So. Ronan is good at that. Is also good at seeing past Adam’s bravado and fake humour and seeing that there’s a problem. Adam appreciates that. He wishes he could have Ronan here to do that all the time. He wishes he could talk to Ronan for longer periods of time. He wishes he didn’t wish for all of that because it still makes him feel needy. 

 

-

 

10:12

-Stop studying

 

10:14

~I’m almost finished this chapter. 

 

10:15

-your schedule says you finish at 10. Stick to it. 

 

10:16

~don’t be so anal. 

~and dont make an anal joke rn i swear to fucking god lynch. 

 

10:17

-how much longer is your chapter?

 

10:19

~6 more pages

 

10:20

-babe you need to go to bed. 

 

10:22

~If i dont finish it then i’ll be behind in my schedule. Im not gonna die if i go to bed an hour later han planned.

 

10:23

-you’re also not gonna die if you’re behind by 6 pages. 

 

10:40

~DONE

 

10:42

-:/

-going to bed now?

 

10:43

~yeah. How was your day? 

 

10:44

-really good

 

10:45

~cards again tonight?

 

10:46

-nah lol, robs totally smashed hes in the bath.

 

10:47

~I hope youre not being a task master

 

10:48

-im being perfectlyf ucking nice.

-anyway. Im paying him a lot for someone whos getting free board and food and uitlities as well.

 

10:49

~wht a saint you are

 

10:50

-st ronan the just.

 

10:51

~st ronan the asshole

~Im gonna sleep now, bb

~i love u

 

10:52

-love yu 2 dick ball. 

 

-

 

Friday begins with one of his carefully penned in social times, breakfast with a bunch of his classmates at the cafe down the road from campus, and then, to make sure none of them feel like it’s a waste of study time, study group in the library next door. This means he gets to sleep in until eight thirty. It’s nice. Breakfast is nice too. Everyone’s only in mild states of panic, which is mostly soothed by large amounts of coffee and study and also one person remembering to put their glasses on. So, he’s in a good mood. A busy mood. Only checks his phone when he leaves the library, and finds Ronan has sent him a short video. He thumbs into it quickly, because usually the videos are of Opal doing something silly, or of a particularly nice looking sky, or of Ronan about to do something particularly dumb like try and skate down a hill on a pair of kids’ roller skates he found in one of the barns. 

 

This time it’s of a young curly haired man crouched in the long grass of the back field, patting a still damp looking calf as it stands on wobbly legs and attempts to figure out where the fuck its mother’s teats are (right in front of your nose, calf). 

 

The video is accompanied by a text. 

 

Friday

12:06 (pm)

-early calf! Robn calved it while i was in twn say hllo 2 the frst dream cow baby

 

-

 

1:48

~is it a prem calf? It looks really good!

 

1:53

-yeah shes doin really well her mums super chuffed i bet shes rubbing it in to all th other cows faces

 

1:54

~you’re ridiculous.

~robin handled the calving ok then?

 

1:58

-yeah he was super good! Beter than im gonna be hahaha i haven’t helped with calving since i was like 14. Maybe ill just get him to do it all. Feed him extra. 

 

1:01

~haha

 

1:04

-how was study group?

 

1:07

~it was ok. Just doing groceries now. 

 

1:09

-haha i know. It’s on yourf cking schedule. Youre such a nerd. 

 

1:10

~im the nerd? You’re the one who’s MEMORISED my schedule.

 

1:11

-printed it out and put it on the fridge. I like knowing wht you’re up to.

 

1:13

~that’s really cute. And also super gay. You sap.

 

1:14

-haha robin saw it an was like what the fuck kind of person are you dating? A robot?

 

1:15

~haha

 

1:17

-p sure his schedule revolves entirely around meal times. That’s like, the only thing you guys have in common ;) 

 

1:18

~haha

 

1:19

-text me lter yeah? When your hands arent busy .

 

1:20

~x

 

-

 

Friday night is another gym slot, because it’s another quiet slot at the uni gym, and that’s his favourite time to work out. He’s already tired tonight though, feels like he used up too much energy socialising today, and the ipod plays a full three minutes of murder squash at him. He buys sushi on his way home, eats it in the shower because he’s starving and also vaguely gross. He plans on sitting down on his bed and watching a movie next, or maybe calling Ronan to chat, but instead he sits down on his bed and falls asleep. 

 

He wakes up at about three in the morning, only because Michael’s started to cry over at his desk. He gets up, does his best to be comforting and uplifting. All but puts Michael to bed. Goes back to bed himself because his eyes are already attempting to close again. 

 

-

 

8:08

-wanna call? X

 

8:20

-oh sorry you’re at the gym, ha.

-call after?

 

9:20

-parrish

 

9:40

-(missed call)

 

-

 

“Fuck,” Adam mumbles, thumbing quickly through the notifications from Ronan, “oops.” He calls him. 

 

“Oh,” Ronan says, sounds very grumpy, “you are alive.” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, hopes some of the grumpiness comes from the fact that it’s only six thirty. “Sorry, I fell asleep real early last night. Didn’t check my phone when I got home from the gym.” 

 

“It’s fine,” Ronan says, “I was just worried you got mugged or some shit.” 

 

Adam snorts, “Right,” he says, “because I definitely look like I’m worth mugging.” 

 

“I’m serious,” Ronan replies, “there are some fucked up people around.” 

 

“Well I’m fine,” Adam says, “and I’m sorry I didn’t see your texts. I wanted to call you last night too.” 

 

“Your loss,” Ronan says. 

 

“How are you, babe?” Adam asks, “I miss you.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, suddenly sounds a little distracted, “I miss you too. I’m good. But I gotta go. I’m already out in the fields, can’t really talk right now.” 

 

“Oh,” Adam says, “ok, cool. We could chat later?” 

 

“Tonight?” Ronan says, “or are you still going out to a movie?” 

 

“Ah,” Adam says, “we could call after?” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says, “talk to you later.” 

 

“Bye.” 

 

-

 

Oops. 

 

He studies with Michael that morning. It isn’t in his schedule, but it’s not quite a deviation from it either, and it cheers Michael up, so that’s useful. Michael goes to his second exam early that afternoon, and Adam takes his study break which is less of a study break and more of a fiddle around with magic break. Eats lunch. Writes three mock essays. Eats afternoon tea. 

 

Saturday

3:49 (pm)

~i think my hand could probably write a whole essay without my brain even attached now. 

 

3:53

-damn thats some good muscle memory. 

 

3:57

~can you imagine like, fjucking wake up to me writing a full on esay in my sleep in the middle of the night. 

 

4:01

-in this scenario are you writing on paper or on the sheets or my back?

 

4:03

~probably on your back lets be honest

 

4:05

-yes i can imagine. God you’re such a nerd

-sometimes i can’t fucking believe we get on at all 

 

4:06

~don’t hate, educate

 

4:07

-god what the hell parrish. 

 

4:08

~are you free right now? Cos i could call.

 

4:09

-nah i’m actually driving. We’re picking some shit up from a couple of farms over. 

 

4:10

~you beter fucking not be texting and driving ronan fucking lynch. 

 

4:11

-I’m not, god, you mother fucking hen. Robin is driving. 

 

4:12

~good. 

~how’s he doing?

 

4:14

-babe he’s actually so fucking great to have around. 

-like. 

-he knows how to do shit on the farm, and is USEFUL. And like, he doesn’t need me to talk to him all the time, but it’s still great to have someone to talk to arond the farm.

-plyus he likes my cooking. 

 

4:15

~I like your cooking. 

 

4:16

-you once told me that gordon ramsay would take one look at me and then try and bury me in my own fields. 

 

4:17

~you tried to serve me a fucking runny bowl of scrambled eggs. 

 

4:18

-I was DISTRACTDD

-gtg we’re at the farm.

 

-

 

Adam reads seven fucking chapters, almost forgets the movie. Has to run to catch the bus. Makes it on time. Hates the movie. Still has fun. Goes home. 

 

10:07

~babe im back from the movie if you wanna call now x

 

10:30

~im gonna go to bed at 11 though, so. It’ll have to be soon? 

 

10:40

~(missed call)

 

10:46

~if this is pay back for last night, i already said sorry and it was a mistake. 

 

10:57

~Ro

 

10:59

-hi! Lol this is robin. Lynch is asleep on the couch. I tried to wake him up when his phone rang but he wasnt having it lol. Thought id text u back so u no hes not dead like he thought uwere last night lol. 

 

11:00

~thanks. 

 

11:00

-;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) 

 

-

 

Sunday

11:02 (am)

-babe i swear i was not igoring you on purpose or like trying to ‘pay you back’. What the fuck? 

 

11:05

~Sorry. 

 

11:06

-yesterday was really exhausting. I thought your movie was gonna finish ealierthan it did. Sorry i fell asleep. 

 

11:07

~it’s whatever lynch. 

 

11:08

-funny cos the way you say that makes i sound like it’s not whatever. 

 

11:09

~It’s fine. Honestly. I’m sad we didn’t get to have a proper chat, yeah, but it’s fine, babe. 

 

11:10

-Ok. We could call now? 

 

11:11

~I’m just about to head to a study group with eden. 

 

11:12

-can’t you skip it? 

-your exams not for ages. 

 

11:14

~8 days. And I have 2 exams every day from then. 

 

11:15

-sunday’s meant to be a rest day. 

 

11:16

~I have to study, ronan. 

 

11:17

-whatever. Call me after, then? Or are you gonna be out super late again. 

 

11:18

~10pm isn’t late according to you almost every other night. I’ll talk to you later. 

 

11:19

-sure. 

 

-

 

He’s not sure who’s at fault here. If it’s him for being to structured and at the same time too flakey, or if it’s Ronan for not letting Adam take the amount of time he needs to be structured and flakey because he’s stressed as fuck. Probably it’s both of their faults, but he’d prefer if it could be easily divided into blame sections.  He’s also stupidly pissed off at Robin, not that he did anything wrong, exactly, but him replying to Adam’s texts on Ronan’s phone  _ felt _ wrong. It also feels wrong that he knew that Ronan was worried last night, which, isn’t fair of Adam, he knows that. Ronan’s allowed to fucking voice his worry about shit. That’s fine. Probably, Adam thinks glumly, he’s only pissed off at Robin because it felt almost like a telling off that he wanted to give himself. Like, he shouldn’t have gone to sleep so early. He should have at least texted Ronan before he went to the gym, let him know he was tired and might go to sleep. 

 

He is not a good study partner. 

 

“Seriously, Adam,” Eden sighs, maybe an hour into the session, “everyone else is on the next chapter already, and that’s usually us in front. So. What’s wrong?” 

 

Adam laughs carefully. “Just stressed out,” he says. 

 

Eden nods. That’s been everyone’s excuse for their bad moods and vacant stares for the last couple of weeks. It should be enough. 

 

“Right,” Eden says, because of course it isn’t enough. “Come on, Adam. You just get more focused when you’re stressed. So?” 

 

Adam shrugs, “It really is just stress,” he says, “I’m - apparently I’m not great at the long distance relationship thing when I’m super stressed.” 

 

“You were fine last exams,” Eden points out. 

 

“They weren’t as big,” Adam snaps, sighs, clears his throat, “sorry.” 

 

“Sure,” Eden says, waves the apology away carelessly, “what’s Ronan done, then?” 

 

Adam sighs again. “That’s not fair,” he says lowly, “to just place the blame on Ronan. He hasn’t done anything.” 

 

Eden keeps staring at him. 

 

“I don’t know if there is a problem,” Adam says, “I don’t, ok. I need to talk to him more, probably, to see if there is. But I’m busy. Can we just focus on trying to catch up with everyone else now, Eden?” 

 

“Ok,” Eden says, “if you do wanna talk about it, though? You’re welcome to.” 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

-

 

3:58

~how’re you doing? 

~I’m finished at study group x

 

4:03

-good sess?

-i’m fine. Just at the skate park with robin and matty. 

 

4:06

~It was ok. 

~you doing sick tricks?

 

4:08

-nah. Robin offered to teach matty how to flip the board of whatever. I’m just here as acknowledger of sick tricks. 

 

4:10

~:) 

~You wanna call then? I miss your voice. 

 

4:11

-I always wanna call x. 

 

-

 

“Babe,” Adam says, doesn’t realise he’s relieved until he hears it in his voice, “I thought we were destined to keep missing each other’s phone calls until I finished my exams or some shit.” 

 

“We spoke on the phone just yesterday, dipshit,” Ronan says, voice fond. 

 

“Sure,” Adam says, “but it wasn’t exactly - I feel like - it wasn’t enough. Y’know?” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “we haven’t gotta have a proper like, fucking debrief for a few days.” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, is pleased to hear that Ronan has noticed that as well.  “Tell me about you.” 

 

“Well,” Ronan drawls, “I like long walks through the mud, fast cars, and the rain -” 

 

“Dick head,” Adam snorts, “I don’t need you to sell yourself to me, I already bought you. What’ve you been up to?” 

 

“Sure,” Ronan snorts back, “you bought me? I’m too expensive to be  _ bought _ , Parrish.” 

 

This is maybe funny? Adam can’t tell. It’s just one of those things which is suddenly too much, or, too close for Adam to figure out. He doesn’t think it’s meant to be  _ mean _ at the very least. It’s not about him. Ronan is talking again though, so Adam doesn’t actually need to try and parse it or the sudden twisting in his chest. 

 

“Not been up to too much,” Ronan says, “just farm work. I’m getting so much shit done, though. We’ve already finished one whole barn, babe. Things are like, stupidly easier with Robin around. I should have got him earlier. But yeah. Just farm stuff all day. Then like, watching dumb racing movies with Robin, or like, cards. He knows so many card games I’m starting to think he was raised by a pack of cards. Yeah. And today, church, lunch with Dec and Matty and Robin, and now the skate park.” 

 

“Oh,” Adam says, “that all sounds. Yeah. Really cool. Declan’s not with you guys?” 

 

“Haha,” Ronan says, “can you imagine?” his voice continues in a muffled yell, obviously not directed at Adam, “ - Fuck yeah, Matty!” 

 

“Thanks for moving the phone away from your excessively loud voice,” Adam says when he’s pretty sure Ronan’s put the phone back to his ear. 

 

“Anything for you, babe,” Ronan says. 

 

“Anything, huh?” Adam asks, is attempting to sound a little seductive. “When are you getting home?” 

 

“Why, Mr Parrish,” Ronan says, putting on an excessively ridiculous accent, “are you propositioning me?” 

 

“If you’re amiable,” Adam replies, attempts to meet the level of ridiculous with another accent. Ronan laughs at him. 

 

“Sexy,” he says, “when?” 

 

“Like,” Adam starts to check his watch, then changes his mind, “whenever. As soon as you’re free. Sometime when you’re not in a barn, ‘cos I want your pants off.” 

 

“Huh,” Ronan says, “wanna video chat it?” 

 

“Um,” Adam says, “fuck yes I do.” 

 

“Michael?” Ronan asks. 

 

“I’ll lock myself in the bathroom,” Adam says, “and make him listen to loud music.” 

 

“Awesome,” Ronan says, “do you wanna fuck me?” 

 

“Ronan,” Adam groans, “there better not be kids around you.” 

 

“It’s just Matty and Robin, and they’re not close enough.” Ronan snorts, “Everyone else left the first time Matty completely face planted.” 

 

“Poor Matty,” Adam snorts. 

 

“Do you wanna?” Ronan persists. 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “yeah I do.” 

 

“I want you to, too,” Ronan says. 

 

“God, Lynch,” Adam says, “please don’t start this at the skatepark.” 

 

“I could go wait in the car,” Ronan says, “could turn on video chat.” 

 

“Not enough space,” Adam says, “I wouldn’t get to see anything interesting.” 

 

“Are you saying my face isn’t interesting?” 

 

“I’m saying I wanna see you actually fin-” 

 

“Ronan!” someone is calling, loud enough that Adam can hear it through Ronan’s phone, “Come try some shit out! I’ll hold you up.” 

 

“Uh,” Ronan says, “uh. God. Babe, I’m gonna go wipe out on some concrete. I’ll get Matty to send you some photos, yeah?” 

 

Adam laughs at him. “Ok,” he says, “video chat tonight?” 

 

“Yes,” Ronan says emphatically, “I’m looking forward to it.” 

 

“Love you,” Adam says. 

 

“Love you,” Ronan replies, hangs up. 

 

-

 

Matthew texts him, about twenty minutes later. A short video. It’s Ronan on a skateboard, laughing uproariously at something Matthew had said which Adam only hears the last consonant of. Robin has his hands on Ronan’s hips. 

 

“I know how to do this,” Ronan says, and, with perfect comedic timing, immediately falls. Robin, still holding onto him, catches him easily, drags him back to his feet, laughing all the while. Laughs harder as Ronan elbows him in the side and grins up at him. Matthew’s moving the camera away, to follow the course of the skateboard, scooting slowly alone down the skatepark. 

 

Adam sends back laughing emojis. 

 

-

 

8:39 

-Your schedule says you’re reviewing formulas. Can you ditch them for like, half an hour? 

 

8:40

~Yes. 

~Give me like ten minutes to corral michael into putting his headphones on and not hating me.

 

8:40

-Ok :) 

-I’m so ready for you. 

 

8:41

~god 

~I can’t wait to come home to you

 

8:42

-I can’t wait for you to cum home to me too

 

8:43

~Will you ever get tired of that joke?

 

8:44

-probably not. 

 

8:45

~it wasn’t even funny the first time you amde it. 

 

8:46

-let me have my jokes. They make up a little bit for you bein so far away all the time. 

 

8:50

~I’m ready to call now. 

 

-

 

“Ah,” Ronan says, “the bathroom is such a sexy backdrop.” 

 

“The background isn’t meant to turn you on,” Adam retorts, “I am.” 

 

“Well,” Ronan says, grins widely. He’s propped up against the headboard of his bed, shirt off, laptop on his knees. The main light is off, but his bedside lamp is on. He looks insufferably good looking. 

 

“Ugh,” Adam sighs, “I want to touch you.” 

 

“I want to see more of you,” Ronan says, “can you put your phone down somewhere?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Adam says, moves over to the sink to prop his phone up against the wall in between the taps, turns up the phone speakers, hopes that Michael took his words to heart and turned his earphones up high. “Is that better?” he asks, stepping away from the sink and sitting down on the bathroom chair (otherwise known as the place to put your wet towels because obviously it’s too hard to take one more step to the left to hang it up on the towel rack, Michael?).

 

“Yeah,” Ronan grins, “yeah. I can see you properly now. You gonna take your shirt off? Or are you just here for the free show?” 

 

“Free show,” Adam grins back, but hen tugs his shirt off quickly, drops his hands to the fly of his pants, “do you have the lube?” 

 

“Obviously,” Ronan snorts, reaches sideways to grab the tube from the bedside table, “how do you wanna do this?” 

 

Adam licks his lips, considers. Usually he’s in bed when they video chat this kind of thing, so he’s not used to the angle, or whatever. Still. “Shift forwards more,” he instructs, and put the computer between your feet with your knees up.” 

 

Ronan obliges quickly. He never says it, but he likes it when Adam tells him what to do in bed, for all that he acts out with sarcasm. Once he’s shifted, Adam can see he’s still in his underwear, the front tented slightly already, a small damp patch glistening. 

 

“Huh,” Adam says, leans forward so he can see his phone screen better, “you already so turned on, babe?” 

 

“Been thinking about this for hours,” Ronan says, hooks his thumb under the waistband on his underwear, tugs at the elastic, “been wanting it for hours.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says, “don’t take the undies off yet.” 

 

“Babe,” Ronan says. 

 

“Get yourself fully hard first,” Adam instructs, can feel himself hardening beneath his jeans, “I wanna - I wanna see you flush everywhere.” 

 

“God,” Ronan groans. He reaches down to first tip the computer screen slightly forwards, and then to grip himself through the fabric of his underwear. 

 

The angle of the screen and Ronan’s hips combined means that Adam can see the outline of his cock easily, can see the underwear pulled into his asscrack from his tugging. Wants to be able to reach through the screen and push the underwear aside. 

Instead, he unzips his own pants, pushes them down and over his hips, lifting his ass up from the chair momentarily before sitting back down. He’d put his towel on the seat, but it was still a little bit cold on his bare skin. 

 

“Move your knees a bit,” Ronan says, “I can’t see your cock.” 

 

“Maybe I’m trying to see if I can seduce you with my knees,” Adam says, shifting to spread his legs wide as he grips his dick. 

 

“You probably could if you really wanted,” Ronan says, huffs a little at the pressure he’s putting on his cock. Adam can see it twitching. Can see the damp patch growing damper. “What do you want?” 

 

“I want to eat you out,” Adam says, watches as Ronan’s cock twitches again. 

 

“Fuck yes,” Ronan says, “yeah.” 

 

Adam has no patience tonight. Possibly because he’s just been feeling fucking stressed out, or, insecure, or because they haven’t done  _ this _ in a while. 

 

“God,” Adam says, “will you finger yourself?” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Ronan grunts, “how do you want me to do it?” 

 

“Uh,” Adam says, “uh - when did you last - ?” 

 

“Like,” Ronan says, is gripping his cock still as he reaches sideways to grab the lube again, “a couple of weeks ago. I don’t - it’s better with you - even just like this -” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “ok. Go slow. I wanna - yeah. Go slow.” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says. He’s shifting a little, pulling his legs up higher, pulling his pillow up behind his back so he can see better. 

 

“Keep the undies on,” Adam says, “I wanna - just push them aside -” 

 

“Kinky,” Ronan grins, “they might get in the way of your viewing pleasure.” 

 

“We can deal with that when we get to it,” Adam says, “you’re so fucking sexy, baby.” 

 

“Mm,” Ronan says, “fuck I’m so -” 

 

Whatever it is that Ronan is so much of, Adam doesn’t get to hear because there’s a very sudden rapping on Ronan’s door. Ronan looks startled, and then very annoyed. 

 

“I said I didn’t wanna be interrupted!” He yelled at the door, hands quickly withdrawing from his crotch. Adam hopes he locked the door. 

 

“Sorry,” he hears Robin say, “sorry - it’s just - Sasuke has started calving, and you said you wanted to be told immediately next time - especially if they’re early, and she is so -” 

 

“Oh fuck,” Ronan says. “Fuck. Ok,” he casts a quick apologetic look in Adam’s direction. “Gimme five. I’ll meet you out there. She’s in the new barn, yeah?” 

 

Adam hears an acquiescence, and then Ronan’s turning his attention back to him. 

 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he’s saying quickly, bending forwards and picking the computer up as he shifts up onto his knees, “I gotta - I wanna be there for the calving. I - we could pick this up again after? It shouldn’t take too long.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says, “yeah, babe, it’s fine. I get it. Ignore my schedule, call me back whenever you finish, ok? I’ll stay up.” 

 

Ronan grins widely at him. His cheeks are still flushed, but he’s gone very quickly from pliant and aroused to farm business. It’s a bit impressive. “Good,” he says, “don’t blow your load without me, yeah?” 

 

“Whatever,” Adam says, “go be a good cow dad. Then come back here and -” 

 

“Be your daddy?” Ronan says, and Adam groans in horror. 

 

“Fuck that,” he says, “you try and bring ‘daddy’ into the bedroom and I will fucking never even look at your dick ever again.” 

 

Ronan laughs at him. “I’ll be back he says, “I love you.” he hangs up. 

 

-

 

“That was quick,” Michael observes as Adam comes out of the bathroom. He tugs his earphones out, and takes in Adam’s expression. Adam suspects it’s a grumpy one. “Or - it didn’t go as planned?” 

 

“I thought our agreement was that we listened to loud music and didn’t ask questions whenever one of us was having sex,” Adam grunts, drops himself down at his desk. 

 

“Sure,” Michael grins, “but you don’t look like you got any. And I mean, less than video getting some.” 

 

“His cows are calving,” Adam grunts, “he had to go.” 

 

“Oh,” Michael says, “my thoughts are with you in this trying time, Adam.” 

 

“Shut it,” Adam snorts, “do you wanna go over elements with me?” 

 

-

 

10:39

-compliations. Called vet. Maybe another hour.

 

10:40

~Ok xxx I hope everything ends up ok. 

 

-

 

11:52

-calf still not here. Sasuke stuggling. Sorry.

 

11:53

~:( it’s ok baby. Fingers crossed for an ok outcome. I can wait up longer. 

 

Monday

12:20 (am)

-go to bed babeim gonna be up 4 a while.

-well pick it up agn anthr time

-lov u

 

12:21

~love you too x

 

-

 

9:27

~Did the calf and sasuke end up ok?

 

10:02

-yeah. Calf wasnt breathing. But shes ok now. Might be a bit sickly. Sasuke took 2 her well tho so we’re fine. 

 

10:06

~that’s really good! I’m so glad xxx 

~You doing ok? That was a really late night. 

 

10:10

-Yeah im fine. Robin all but tucked me in2 bed

-made me breakfast this morning too

-am blessed

 

10:11

~ha i’m glad you’re being looked after, baby. 

 

10:14

-honestly i feel bad about it. He was up too, i feel like i should make him go back to bed 

 

10:18

~ha ha

 

10:20

-fuck parrish, you’re honestly gonna like him so much. He’s so fucking useful to have around. Really nice. 

 

10:23

~that’s great baby. I’m looking forward to meeting him. 

~he must feel p awkward. Having interrupted us having phone sex twice lol

 

10:24

-nah he’s super casual about it so dw. 

 

10:25

~that’s good.

~he’s not like homophobic or some shit then?

 

10:26

-nah lol he’s gay. 

-he told me he specifically applied with me cos he’d heard i was gay

 

10:27

~oh?

 

10:28

-yeah something about another farm he worked at last year being really shitty around that kinda stuff. I get it, farming isn’t exactly the most fucking open communiy around this kind of shit yet. 

 

10:30

~yeah it’s hard.

~good thing he found you then.

~does he have a bf?

 

10:31

-nah

 

10:32

~ha that’s probably good i betif he did his bf would be v jealous about him working such close quarters which such a hot gay dude 

 

10:34

-i’m sure it’d be fine, parrish, people aren’t so black and white all the time. 

 

10:35

~yeah haha. 

~gotta study now. Ttyl x

 

10:37

-xxx

 

-

 

Gansey picks up on the second ring. He’s good at that. 

 

“Adam,” he says, sounds very pleased, “how are you?” 

 

“Yeah fine,” Adam says out of habit, “how are you?” 

 

“Really well!” Gansey says, “I just got back from this most intriguing talk on mythology.” 

 

“That’s great,” Adam says. 

 

“Did you call to just chat?” Gansey asks, “Or is something on your mind?” 

 

“I’m an asshole,” Adam says then, very quickly, “I’m a huge fucking asshole.” 

 

“Um,” Gansey says, “alright. You might want to backtrack a little so I can understand where this is coming from.” 

 

“You know Ronan has a boarder right now, yeah?” Adam asks, “A farm hand. Robin.” 

 

“Yeah,” Gansey says, “I helped him put up the advertisement.” 

 

Fantastic. 

 

“You know he’s gay?” Adam says next. 

 

“Oh,” Gansey says, “Robin? No. I didn’t know. I haven’t met him.” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, “and it’s - god. This is the me being an asshole part.” 

 

“Alright,” Gansey says. 

 

“I’m so fucking… jealous, I guess,” Adam says. 

 

“Of Robin?” Gansey asks. “Why?” 

 

“Because,” Adam snaps, sighs, inhales loudly, tries again. “Because he’s - he’s - I just - I’m paranoid he’s gonna crush on Ronan.” 

 

“Ok,” Gansey says. “I can see that’d be hard. Knowing that he gets to spend so much time with Ronan, and you’re stuck at uni for a while longer. Is it just that you’re worried he’s going to  _ like _ Ronan?” 

 

“Yes,” Adam says, sighs again. “Yes,” he says, “no,” he says, “I don’t know. I’m just - I feel like I’m picking fights with Ronan. Or like, like I’m imagining that we’re fighting. And I think - God. Nah. This is so stupid. Never mind.” 

 

“Adam,” Gansey says firmly, “don’t hang up. Tell me.” 

 

“God,” Adam says. 

 

“I’m here to listen,” Gansey says, just as firmly, “you can tell me anything.” 

 

“I feel like I’m picking fights on purpose,” Adam says, “I don’t even know if they’re fights. I feel like I’m winding myself up on purpose.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because,” Adam says, “it just … it just makes so much sense to me that… that I’ll fuck this up. Or that - or that - yeah.” 

 

“What?” Gansey says, then, before Adam can reply, “Adam Parrish. You’re the only one who thinks you are good at fucking things up.” 

 

“I’m not,” Adam retorts. Gansey is not finished. 

 

“One hundred percent,” he says, “you are a fixer. You don’t break things. If you’re worried about a break? You should talk to Ronan about it.” 

 

“I know that,” Adam says, “I know that, Gans. But. I don’t want to have such a stupid conversation with him over the phone. Not when I know I’m already so… so paranoid. Or like, so stressed about my exams. I  _ will _ fuck that conversation up. I know I will.” 

 

“I don’t think you will,” Gansey says, “you’re doing fine here with me.” 

 

“I’m not,” Adam protests loudly, “I’m not. I don’t - I’m not getting through what I mean. I feel like this is just confusing for both of us right now.” 

 

Gansey’s silent for a moment, then he says; “What do you want me to say, Adam? I want to help you here.” 

 

“I don’t know,” Adam admits, “sorry.” 

 

“It’s fine,” Gansey says, “but listen. My honest opinion? You’re right that you’re just stressed. You know this, so therefore, you have the power to not let this go awry. You two love each other, and you’re good at communicating, when you try.” 

 

“Mm,” Adam says, “thanks. I - sorry for dumping on you. I’m meant to be studying right now. Thanks.” 

 

“Ok,” Gansey says, “talk soon, ok?” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. Hangs up. 

 

-

 

He knows Gansey is right. That he should just talk to Ronan. That he needs to just say to Ronan; hey, I’m feeling really insecure right now and it isn’t your fault, and it isn’t Robin’s fault, I’m just in a mood and I need reassurance. Or something along those lines. That that is absolutely what he should do. He also knows that he’s right, that if he tries to do that right now, over the phone, while he’s in this mood, he’s going to say it wrong. He’s going to make it sound bad. He’s going to just - pick another fight. He doesn’t want that.

 

His schedule says he is supposed to be practicing essays. He practices essays. 

 

-

 

The rest of monday goes by quickly. He’s sticking to his schedule. He’s ignoring the black hole eating up the parts of his brain he’s not using. He’s doing just fine. 

 

-

 

9:30 (pm)

-how did you study go today? X

 

9:33

~pretty good. Hit all my targets. 

 

9:34

-Good :) 

-Wanna try the video chat thing again? 

 

9:35

~not tonight. Michael’s got an exam tomorrow morning. 

 

9:36

-fucking michael. 

-fair enough xxxx

 

9:37

~how was your day? 

 

9:39

-yeah it was fine. Dumbfuck is doing good. 

 

9:42

~........ Is Dumbfuck the new calf? 

 

9:44

-Yeah ;) 

 

9:45

~good to know your naming skills have decreased.

 

9:46

-I reserve the rihght to name all our chidlren :D 

 

9:47

~yeah that’s not happening.

~idk if i even want kids

~specialy not if they’re gonna be called things like, idk, hammer. 

 

9:57

-fair

 

10:00

~I didnt think you wanted kids either. 

 

10:01

-idk. 

 

10:02

~probs not a conversation we need to have right now. 

 

10:03

-yeah. 

 

10:05

~hey i’m really pooped. I’m gonna head to bed now. Ttyt xxx

 

10:07

-ok. Xxx

-love you xxx

 

10:22

~love you too

 

-

 

He goes to the gym Tuesday morning. Murder Squash does not play. He works out until he thinks he’s going to vomit, and then he goes home. Eats a cereal bar. Has a shower. Packs up his books. Meets Eden in town. Studies at the library until four. Has a late lunch. Heads home. Hasn’t looked at his phone yet. He doesn’t feel like he has the energy. Which is stupid. It’s not like talking with Ronan drains him. It’s not like he doesn’t want to talk to Ronan. It’s more like. It’s more like he’s scared that he’ll see Ronan’s texts saying perfectly nice normal things and his stupid fucked up brain will see something dumb and it’ll whip around in a fucking fit throwing shit about and telling him something is wrong. That bit is the bit that he doesn’t have energy for. That is the bit he wants to avoid. He really wants to talk to Ronan, though. Just wants to be able to listen to him talk. 

 

-

 

Tuesday

8:02 (am)

-make sure you eat a big breakfast after your workout!

 

10:34

-Opal bit robin on the leg. He’s chasing her with the hose now. She’s a dumb shit. 

 

11:41

-(image attached)

-this is dumbfuck. I love her. 

 

1: 32 (pm) 

-robin just told me my scrambled eggs are 2 die for. Dunno if thats in line with your godon ramsay comment or thoroughly against it

 

4:08

-are you ok?

 

-

 

6:09

~hey babe, sorry for the super late reply. Been really caught up in study today. Dumbfuck looks great. 

 

6:10

-hey x i was worried. You doing ok?

 

6:11

~yeah :) 

 

6:11

-are you worried about the exams?

 

6:12

~a little. I think i’ll be ok. I’m pretty confident about my studying. 

 

6:12

-you’re gonna ace them xxx 

 

6:19

~thanks! 

~you had a good day, then?

 

6:19

-better now i’m talking to you :) 

 

6:20

~gay.

 

6:21

-I miss you.

-I feel like we’re not talking a smuch. 

 

6:26

~Yeah. I guess we’re both just busy. Sorry. 

 

6:26

-It’s fine. I get it. Just. miss you. 

 

6:27

~miss you too. 

 

6:30

-Do you wanna call tonight?

 

6:31

~ah babe i’m really not in the mood. 

 

6:33

-god not for sex. Just. For chatting.

 

6:38

~oh right, sorry. Yeah. maybe? I’ve just been. Super tired. I was thinking about getting a really early night tonight. 

 

6:38

-I could call right now? 

 

6:39

~ok. 

 

-

 

“Hey,” Ronan says before Adam can even greet him, “hey, what’s wrong?” 

 

“What?” Adam asks. Switches his phone to his deaf ear, swears, switches it back. “Nothing. I’m just - god - I just tried to put the phone on my wrong ear, like a fucking idiot.” 

 

“Fuck,” Ronan says. “You’ve not done that for a while.” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, doesn’t want to listen to the faint undertone of concern in Ronan’s voice. “What’s up?” 

 

“Not much,” Ronan says, “just, look, Parrish. I’m worried about you.” 

 

His voice is all stiff, like it gets when he feels awkward about saying things. Mostly it only gets like this on the phone. Things are easier to say when you’re touching each other, breathing in each other’s air. 

 

Adam forces himself to laugh. It must sound extremely forced, because Michael, coming out of the bathroom, looks at him in alarm. “Nah,” he says, “weren’t you the one saying I’m gonna ace these exams?” 

 

Ronan makes a noise of frustration. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” he says roughly. 

 

Adam wants to say; I know, I know, I know I’m acting like a fucking loon. I’m sorry. 

 

“I feel like you’re avoiding me,” Ronan says. If his voice had been stiff before, it was absolutely wooden now. 

 

Adam doesn’t bother trying to fake a laugh this time, he thinks that if Ronan sounds wooden, Adam will sound plastic. 

 

“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?” he deflects, “Babe. Why would I avoid you?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Ronan replies, and he’s very suddenly not sounding wooden or stiff at all, he’s just sounding very small and very lost, and very hurt and that stupid black hole in Adam’s head aches. 

 

“It’s just -” Ronan continues, clears his throat, “I feel like I’ve been having more in depth conversations with Robin than with you, the last few days. LIke -” 

 

“That’s because he fucking lives with you,” Adam snaps, feels like the black hole has just fucking swallowed his entire head hole because, fuck, he hates himself to hell and back for how shitty he sounds right now. 

 

Ronan doesn’t reply. 

 

“Look,” Adam says, has to exhale heavily, “look - I - there isn’t a -” 

 

“Don’t,” Ronan says, snaps, “don’t say there isn’t a problem. There is. There obviously is. Will you just - will you please -” 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Adam says. “I can’t. I’m too - I don’t know how to talk about it right now.” 

 

“Has something -” Ronan says, “- did something happen?” 

 

“No,” Adam snaps. 

 

“Did I do something?” Ronan asks. 

 

“No,” Adam says, “God. Look. I want to talk to you about it when I see you, ok? I don’t wanna do this over the phone.” 

 

There’s a long silence then. Adam can hear Ronan swallowing. 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says, sounds extremely odd. “Ok. You let me know then. I guess. When you want to. We’ll talk later. Ok. Bye.” 

 

Adam doesn’t get a chance to say bye back before he’s met with the dial tone. 

 

-

 

“Fuck,” he says. Michael looks at him. 

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asks. 

 

“No,” Adam says. “God.” 

 

“Are you gonna dump him?” Michael asks. 

 

“What?” Adam says, “No. What the fuck? No.” 

 

“Because,” Michael says carefully, “you kinda sounded like you might?” 

 

“What?” Adam says again. “What are you talking about?” 

 

“It’s one of those things,” Michael says, “dumping someone. Where the dumper always says, I don’t wanna do this over the phone. It’s like a signal before the break up.” 

 

“No,” Adam says. 

 

“Yeah,” Michael says. 

 

Adam calls Ronan back. Ronan does not answer. Adam calls Ronan back. Ronan does not answer. 

 

-

 

6:52

~Ronan i don’t want to  break up that’s not what I wanna talk about that isn’t it at all. I fucking love you. I wanna be with you. I don’t want to break up. 

 

7:02

-thank fucking fuck. 

 

7:02

~I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry. 

 

7:03

-i’m sorry i hung up so quick. I panicked. 

 

7:03

~no im sorry i get it. I wa s so scared when i realised how that must have sounded to you i’m really sorry. 

 

7:04

-Can i call you back?

 

7:04

~yeah. 

 

-

 

Michael gets up when Adam’s phone rings again. 

 

“I’m gonna go chill with some mates,” he says, “lemme know when you’re done here. Yeah?” 

 

Adam nods. Answers the phone. 

 

“Baby,” he says. 

 

Ronan is fucking crying on the other end of the phone. Actually fucking crying. 

 

“Ro,” Adam says. Feels like this stupid asshole black fucking hole is in his stomach now, weighing him down. “Ro, babe. God, hey - hey, it’s ok.” 

 

“Sorry,” Ronan says, clears his throat, “I didn’t mean to be - ha - to be so dramatic, I just - I panicked so much.” 

 

“I know,” Adam says, because he can still feel his own panic coursing adrenaline through his veins, feeding the black hole. 

 

Ronan’s clearing his throat again, is sounding a little steadier. 

 

“Sorry,” he says, almost clearly, “sorry.” 

 

“Don’t,” Adam says, because it feels so fucking wrong for Ronan to apologise when it’s Adam who’s fucked up, when it’s Adam who made Ronan cry, when it’s all on fucking Adam. “None of this is your fault,” he says as steadily as he can, “I’m just - I’m just - I’m an asshole.” 

 

Ronan sniffs. “Yeah,” he agrees, “what’s wrong?” 

 

He’s sitting at his desk, but he pushes his chair back, gets up and crosses the room to toss himself down onto his bed before he answers. 

 

“I don’t know,” he admits, “I don’t - I  _ do _ but I don’t.” 

 

“That’s not helpful,” Ronan says, “tell me what you do fucking know, then.” 

 

“Um,” Adam says, drags at his blankets so he can pull them up over his body, so he can bury his head under them. “I just - I don’t know where this came from. I - I trust you -” 

 

“Adam,” Ronan says, “Adam,  _ what. _ ” 

 

“I’m scared you’re gonna fucking - I’m scared I’m too far away, and too busy, and too much not like you, and too - and too fucking  _ mean _ for you -” 

 

“Adam,” Ronan says again. 

 

“And I know this is stupid,” Adam says, “I know it is. I do. But everytime I think about - I keep - my brain keeps trying to tell me that you’re - that he - that we -” 

 

“Adam,” Ronan repeats, firmly, cutting through Adam’s incoherence. “Baby. Please. Just. Breathe a little, yeah?” 

 

Adam breathes a little. Or, he tries to. It ends up more like a rattling gasp. 

 

“I think,” Adam says after a few moments. “I think I’m. I know I’m jealous about Robin getting to spend so much time with you. Because. Because I’m feeling - so stupidly - insecure. And. I think. I keep seeing shit that isn’t there because I’m insecure and looking for it and so I’m pulling away and thinking it’s you pulling away and I’m just so - I’m just so - I don’t know why I’m doing it, it’s so fucking annoying, and I’m just -” 

 

He breaks off. Presses his face into his pillow. Breathes damply through the fabric. None of this makes any fucking sense. 

 

“I’m not gonna,” Ronan says slowly, “not gonna do anything with Robin. He’s so not my type. And I’m not his. My type is you, Parrish. You don’t need to feel -” 

 

“I know,” Adam mumbles, “God, I know, Lynch. I know this, but I can’t stop my fucking emotions from trying to - to - to fucking drown me in this stupid shit.” 

 

“So,” Ronan says, “you’re not - you’re  _ not _ jealous of Robin?” 

 

“No,” Adam says, “I am. I am, but it’s not for any good reason.” 

 

“Tell me about the dumb reasons, then,” Ronan says. 

 

“God,” Adam groans, “it’s - I guess a big part is - uh - him interrupting us. Or like. Getting to  _ see you _ so soon after we were being… intimate. And just. You like him a lot. I guess. And that’s great. Honestly. The non asshole parts of me are super glad you have a friend, and - and - I guess I’m not used to you taking to someone so quickly and admitting it. There are so many dumb reasons - Ronan -” 

 

“I do like him,” Ronan says, “I do. He’s a cool guy. And a good friend already, which I’m surprised about too. I hadn’t realised I talked about him so much, though.” 

 

“You probably didn’t talk about him, like, excessively,” Adam mumbles, “I probably just honed in on it.” 

 

“Why?” Ronan asks, plaintive. 

 

“I don’t know,” Adam says, “I honestly don’t - I - I was  _ fine _ just like a week ago, and then, I don’t know. I just. I feel like my brain is betraying me. Like. I can’t think straight, and I just get angry and upset and I don’t know how to calm myself down. God. I’m sorry.” 

 

Ronan is silent for a while, then he says, “I get that. The, uh, brain betrayal bit. You don’t want to be feeling the way you’re feeling but you can’t stop it, and you just get more and more frustrated at it, and so the original feeling just gets bigger and bigger because you’re too - too angry at not being able to control your own mind, that it just… takes over.” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says. “I guess. A bit. Yeah.” 

 

“And it’s not an easy time for it,” Ronan continues. “You’re already all wound up with exams, and finishing, and trying to live up to your absurdly high expectations of yourself, and I’m caught up with calving - we haven’t had enough time to just - to just be with each other to let it come up in conversation naturally.” 

 

Adam feels like he might start crying now. Which is very irritating. 

 

“Yeah,” he says. “I was - I should have brought it up earlier though. I wanted to.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Yeah. I’ve - the last couple of days - I knew I was being an ass. I knew I was. I wanted to say something but I was so scared of saying it wrong and - and then I did say it wrong, ha, and freaked the both of us out.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says. Adam is glad he’s not trying to disagree with him, isn’t trying to smoothe over how stupid Adam’s been. “What do you think - what do you think will help? Make you feel - better?” 

 

“I dunno,” Adam says. “I think just - just talking it out with you. So it’s not like - this stupid secret. Or like. I dunno. It felt like I was keeping something big from you. I guess I was. But it’s just - yeah.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says. “Did it - were you upset that I didn’t tell you about Robin beforehand?” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “I’m sorry. I - it was mostly something that just slipped my mind - but I - it was also - I know you’ve been telling me to get someone to help out for ages. I guess I felt like, too proud or some shit. I should have told you.” 

 

“Thanks,” Adam mumbles, “you’re right that I would have teased you, though.” 

 

“I know,” Ronan says, “I don’t mind you teasing me.”

 

“I love you,” Adam says, “I’m so -  I’m sorry I let this get so out of hand. It just - it all slipped so quickly.” 

 

“I know,” Ronan says, “I felt - I wasn’t sure if something was up.” 

 

“Same,” Adam says. “I hate doing this over the phone.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan sighs, “you’re right that this would have been better face to face.” 

 

“Face to face is too long away still, though,” Adam says, “I was wrong that we should have waited. If we’d waited we’d probably have both just completely gone nuts. I - I feel like - I’m really - I don’t -” he drops his voice down into something barely as loud as a whisper, “I don’t feel ok, Ronan. I don’t - I feel  _ wrong _ .” 

 

“Wrong like,” Ronan says, “like something magically bad wrong? Or?” 

 

“No,” Adam snorts, “no. I almost wish it was. Then it wouldn’t be just my fault. Wrong like. Wrong like… my dad. Like. Like I’ve been right my whole life that turning into him is inevitable. That I’d just get angrier and angrier and more paranoid, and selfish, and -” 

 

“Stop,” Ronan says, “God, no. Baby. No. You are nothing like him -” 

 

“I am, though,” Adam protests, “I have the same - I know I get as angry as he does. I can feel it. I feel so out of control - so like - ugh - so - uh -” he has to stop, because there’s something blocking his throat, burning behind his eyes. He pushes his face back into the pillow. 

 

“Hey,” Ronan is saying, soft, “hey. Just because you  _ feel _ those things sometimes doesn’t make you them. It doesn’t make you him. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to live out what you’re feeling.” 

 

“I’ve been snapping at you,” Adam says, is horribly aware that is voice is basically a well enunciated sob, “I’ve been making you feel so  _ shitty _ , that’s such a - that’s a such a him thing to do -” 

 

“Yeah that was horrible,” Ronan says, “I hate that, but - God, baby. You’re not him. You’re never gonna be him. We’ll work something out, ok? We’ll… we could find someone to talk to about it. I know that’s not who you are. I know you don’t get any fucking pleasure out of it.” 

 

“What if we talk to someone about it,” Adam says, “and they can’t do anything. What if I am just fucked up -” 

 

“Don’t be an idiot,” Ronan says, “there’s no need to be so fucking dramatic. Babe. Listen. You’re ok. You’re going through a - a shitty patch right now. That fucking sucks. Sucks ass. You’re gonna be ok, though, just like with your exams. It’s hard, and it’s not fun, but you’re gonna get through it, and you’re gonna get through it so fucking well, and I’ll fucking be here for you through the whole thing if you want that.” 

 

“I want that,” Adam says. “I always want you here.” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says, “I will be. Do you want - what do you want us to do right now? For before you come home?” 

 

“What do you mean?” Adam mumbles. 

 

“I mean,” Ronan says, sighs a little, “I mean - do you wanna find someone to talk to while you’re still in the city?  Do you want me to look for someone here? Do you want me to fire Robin? Do you want me to come stay with you?” 

 

“No,” Adam says sharply, “God. No. Babe. I don’t want you to fire Robin. No. He’s - he’s not the problem. Like. I’m jealous, yeah. I can’t deny that, but he hasn’t done anything. It’s just me. I don’t want to put him out of a job or you out of your help, I don’t want that.” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan says easily, “good. I’m glad.” 

 

“Would you have if I asked you to?” Adam asks, curious. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “probably.” 

 

“I don’t think that’s healthy,” Adam says, “I mean. God. I sound like an ass. I mean. You shouldn’t - you shouldn’t put yourself out because I’m jealous over nothing.” 

 

Ronan is silent for a few long seconds. Then he makes a faint noise of acquiescence. 

 

“I’m serious,” Adam says, “that’s - I don’t want that. I never want that.” 

 

“I know,” Ronan says, then, “can I come stay with you?” 

 

“You have calving,” Adam says. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “but Robin is better at it than me. And I could ask Dec to come oversee while I’m away. And I don’t - I don’t want you to be alone while you’re feeling so … low.” 

 

“I’m not alone,” Adam mumbles. 

 

“Adam,” Ronan sighs. 

 

“What would you even do while you’re here?” Adam sniffs, “I still have to study.” 

 

“I can entertain myself,” Ronan says, “I’ve got stuff to do. I could go to the gym with you. Help you with your flashcards. Stop you from going overtime on your readings. Kiss you.” 

 

It’s very tempting. 

 

“You can’t just up and come whenever I’m having a bad day,” Adam says, “I can’t ask you to uproot your life for something so small.” 

 

Ronan snorts. 

 

“This isn’t small,” he says, “this is more than just a bad day. I know bad days, Parrish, and I know bad weeks. And I know the feeling of your brain trying to eat you from the inside out. I’m not uprooting my life. I want to be there with you, because you’re part of my life, and I want to make sure you’re doing ok,  _ and _ , I hate having these conversations on the phone because I can’t touch you.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. “Ok. Ok. Just - take the night to think about it, yeah? Don’t just jump into your car. Make a plan. Make sure you really can take the time.” 

 

“Ok,” Ronan replies. 

 

“Promise?” Adam asks. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “I fucking promise. Now. Fuck. Let’s - can we - tell me about your day?” 

 

“Ok.” 

  
  


-

  
  


Wednesday

9:42 (am)

-I’m gonna arrive about 4.30. Don’t change your schedule. I’m gonna book a hotel room. Don’t fight me on this. It’s close to uni and all that shit. I want you to stay there with me so you have some more space and me being there isn’t just squishing up in your space. I’ll get dinner. Pick you up from yours about 5?

 

9:56

~Why are you like this

 

9:57

-Because i wanna get to hold you and tell you how much i love you without michael overhearing everything and i wanna do that at least once a day. 

 

9:59

~ok. Is everything sorted on the farm?

 

10:01

-Yup. Declan’s agreed to come in and over see. It’ll be fine. They’ll keep me updated on all calf situations.

 

10:03

~i love you

 

10:05

-I love you too. Do your study. 

 

-

 

4:45 (pm)

-I’m checked in. Want pasta or kebabs for dinner? 

 

4:47

~kebabs. Lamb. 

 

4:50

-Ok. I’ll be at yours in ten. We’ll pick the food up on the way back to mine. You packed?

 

4:51

~mostly. 

 

4:52

-Is mIchael in?

 

4:52

~Yes

 

4:52

-shit. 

 

-

 

Ronan arrives at five on the dot. Michael shuts himself in the bathroom. 

 

“Hi,” Adam says in pathetic greeting as he opens the door to Ronan. 

 

Ronan doesn’t reply, just steps in and tugs Adam into his arms, against his chest, tucks his head in down on Adam’s shoulder. 

 

“Ro,” Adam mumbles, wraps his own arms tightly around Ronan’s torso. “God. Hi.” 

 

“Et vos desiderabat,” Ronan says, “te amo.” 

 

Adam thinks probably Ronan is talking in Latin so Michael can’t overhear, but also, because, it makes it more intimate. It makes Adam remember the ways in which they are similar. What they’ve been through together. What Ronan wants from Adam and what Adam wants from Ronan. 

 

“Gratias tibi,” Adam breathes, “thank you. For coming.” 

 

“I haven’t cum yet,” Ronan replies. 

 

Adam elbows him. 

 

-

 

The hotel isn’t too fancy, which, thank God, but it is a big room. Big enough that Adam has space to lay all his study shit out on the desk, and Ronan has enough room to spread all of his belongings everywhere. They eat their kebabs on the foot of the bed. Ronan takes a shower. Adam writes a mock essay. 

 

-

 

“You done?” Ronan asks when he comes back out of the shower, smelling of lavender, and wrapping his still damp arms around Adam’s shoulders. 

 

“Yeah,” Adam says, lets himself lean back and in against Ronan’s bare chest, “why aren’t you dressed?” 

 

“‘Cos,” Ronan says, kisses Adam’s cheek. “There’s no one here to walk in on us.” 

 

“Oh,” Adam says, “ah,” Adam says, “do you wanna -” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, kisses him again, “but - uh - first - I mean, fuck yes I do. That is why I’m not wearing clothes. But. I want us to talk first. I don’t wanna like,  _ fuck _ , and then act like everything is ok again.” 

 

“That’s worked before,” Adam points out, not as a protest. He stands up from the desk and turns so Ronan can straighten up and take him in his arms properly. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “but that was when the problem was about something like… like I forgot to buy detergent. Or, you were grumpy because you had a long day. Not this.” 

 

“I don’t know what this is,” Adam sighs, presses his forehead against Ronan’s cheek. 

 

“Have you -” Ronan starts, awkward. He sighs as well, turns his head so he can kiss Adam’s forehead. “Have you ever considered - I mean. We were saying just yesterday we could find someone for you - or us - to talk to about - this stuff. But. Have you considered going to therapy?”

 

This is a thing that Adam has considered. A thing that makes him feel small, and weak, and fragile, and just broken. A thing that he has to hold himself very still for because he wants to lash out about it because it scares him. 

 

“What would I even say to them?” he elects to say instead, aiming for humour, “I let an ancient magic forest inhabit parts of me, and now I’m fucked up? They’d probably try and have me put away.” 

 

Ronan grunts. 

 

“It’s true you probably couldn’t talk to them much about the - uh - the magic parts,” he says, “although maybe if we asked the witches, maybe they know therapists who dabble in magic. But. I meant. You’re - when you get like this - which I know isn’t often, but it scares me, and it scares you, - when you get like this it’s mostly because of before. Isn’t it? Because of your parents. And your upbringing. That might be useful having a therapist for.” 

 

Adam wants to say, ‘you think I’m so weak? You think I need someone else to cry on?’ Adam knows he doesn’t actually want to say that. 

 

“Maybe,” he says, screws his eyes closed. “Maybe. I - do you think it’d actually help?” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, then shakes his head, shrugs, “nah. I don’t know, babe. I don’t know. I think it could help. I think it’s worth a shot. I think I want you to be fucking happy, and this is maybe a way that could help with that.” 

 

They’re both silent a while. Then Adam nods. 

 

“Let’s think about it,” he says. “I don’t want - can we wait until after my exams?” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, “absolutely.” 

 

“Are you ok?” Adam asks, “I know it’s been hard on you.” 

 

“I’m fine,” Ronan says staunchly. “I am. Now I - now I understand more what’s going on I’m fine. Ok?” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. “I know this is gonna sound a lot hypocritical, but, you will tell me if you’re not ok, yeah?” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan says, kisses him again, “do you wanna come to bed with me?” 

 

“Cum to bed with you?” Adam asks. 

 

“Fucker,” Ronan snorts. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> While this is a completed fic, it's obviously not the end of the conversation these two need to have. It's not a solved issue. Mental health, especially with trauma, is not a one conversation kind of thing. 
> 
> I personally have a lot of mental health issues/trauma/etc, which might be obvious from the content of my fics, and one thing that always surprises me (despite the fact that I've been dealing with it for years) is how quickly the fucking black fog of self hatred/whatever comes in, and how quiet it can be.
> 
> Hi guys! If you like my writing feel free to come yell at me on my Tumblr etoilearden.tumblr.com


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